A Great Gatsby Parody
by addledwalrus
Summary: I recently read the book and saw the 2013 film version, and decided to try my hand at writing a parody of the story.
1. Chapter 1

**Nick:** Back when I was a vulnerable youth, alone in the world and struggling to figure out my identity, my father gave me some advice that I dismissed at the time but now follow religiously.  
"Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, just remember that no one else has had the same advantages you've had."  
As a result of what he told me that day, I tend to reserve all judgements when dealing with people. Except when I do. But enough of that, I should talk a bit about myself. I come from a prominent Middle Western clan called the Carraways. You've probably never heard of us but I can assure you that we go way back.  
Anyway, I graduated from Yale in 1915 and I fought in Germany. I may look unimpressive, but I was quite the war hero, believe it or not.  
I returned home to the Midwest and found it was no longer the happening place I knew as a child. So naturally, I was drawn to the bright lights of New York City, both literally and metaphorically.  
I entered the bond business and moved into a house on West Egg, a place for the new rich to reside away from the prejudice of the old money folk of East Egg . There, I lived with my dog and a Finnish woman whom I didn't care much for, even though she cooked my meals and made sure the house was always clean.  
One evening however, I was inclined for some reason to drive over to East Egg to visit my distant cousin Daisy and her husband Tom whom I'd first met in college. I was rather taken aback at seeing him again after so many years. It seemed that he had gained quite some muscle since his days at Yale and as he welcomed me, I couldn't help but imagine what the man must have been like in bed...if you'll excuse me...  
 **  
Tom:** You'll see we've got quite a nice place here Nick, once you stop staring at me like that. I believe you're dying to meet Daisy again?  
 **Nick:** Of course. I wonder how she has been lately.

 _Tom and Nick enter a white room with billowing white curtains and a white sofa. A woman's laughter is heard from somewhere in the incredibly white room._

 **Tom:** Daisy! I command you to cease playing with the curtains and come see our guest!  
 **Daisy:** Oh, Tom! You know how important it is for me to make the right impression whenever you bring somebody new over. Speaking of which, did you love my entrance, Nick?  
 **Nick:** Huh?  
 **Daisy:** Did the fluttering curtains and all the rays of sunlight emphasize my fairy-like qualities? My middle name is Fay, after all.  
 **Nick:** Yes, they did.  
 **Daisy:** Then I'm paralyzed with happiness! Come, take my hand and look into my eyes in a way that says you want me, even though we're cousins.  
 **Nick:** Uh, who's that woman next to you?  
 **Daisy:** That's Jordan Baker. I wouldn't focus on her right now if I were you. So, do they miss me over in Chicago?  
 **Nick:** Well, the whole town is desolate. It's like everyone just ceased to live once you left and the place has been plunged into an eternal night...  
 **Daisy:** How wonderful! Tom and I should go back tomorrow. You ought to see our baby girl Pammy. She just turned three this year, I think.  
 **Tom:** Nick, tell me about what you do.  
 **Nick:** I'm a bond man on Wall Street.  
 **Tom:** With what company?  
 **Nick:** It's none of your business.

 _Jordan sits up from the sofa and stretches her arms._

 **Jordan:** I've been lying on that sofa for as long as I can remember. And that is not an exaggeration.  
 **Daisy:** Hey everyone! How about we have some cocktails?  
 **Jordan:** No thanks. I need to stay nice and fit 'cos I'm a professional golf player.  
 **Tom:** For a professional golf player, you sure don't seem to spend much time actually playing golf.  
 **Jordan:** I know. I'm just that great.

 _Jordan turns to Nick and he stares at her for several seconds._

 **Nick:** As I looked at her, I was a little intimidated by the fact that she was six feet tall and composed from head to toe of lean muscle. Nevertheless, I figured she would make a great beard... I mean, girlfriend.

 **Jordan:** I can tell by your slightly lower standard of personal grooming that you must be from West Egg. I know somebody there.  
 **Nick:** That's cool, 'cos I don't know anyone. Maybe you could introduce me-  
 **Jordan:** But you must know of Gatsby, he's a celebrity.  
 **Daisy:** Gatsby? What Gatsby? That name sure does ring a bell...  
 _  
The butler arrives to announce that dinner is ready. Daisy jumps in excitement and drags Jordan along while Nick and Tom follow._

 **Jordan:** We really ought to plan something instead of just sitting around chatting all day. Maybe someone could get laid, like Nick over here...  
 **Daisy:** Speaking of getting laid, Tom's kind of like the Incredible Hulk whenever we-  
 **Tom:** Daisy, please don't use those words to describe me.  
 **Daisy:** I'll say it again whether you like it or not. You're like the Incredible Hulk.

 _Tom sighs and is quick to change the subject._

 **Tom:** Have I mentioned that I'm a racist? I read a book the other day called 'The Rise of the Colored Empires' and it was quite eye opening. You see, we need to beat the other races down before they rise up and destroy everything we've built!  
 **Daisy:** Tom gets pretty passionate about subjects like these...  
 **Tom:** It's up to us, the Nordic race, to keep them from doing such a thing! That means me, and you, and you, and...you...

 _Tom points hesitantly at Daisy and she winks at Nick._

 **Daisy:** I'm not what I seem, Nick. How about I tell you a family secret? It's about my father...no wait, it's about the butler's nose...

 _A phone rings in the next room and a butler enters to whisper something to Tom. Tom stands and leaves the table, looking frustrated. Daisy leans towards Nick once her husband is out of sight._

 **Daisy:** You know, Nick, you remind me of a rose. An absolute rose! What do you think, Jordan?  
 **Jordan:** Well, he is kind of pretty...

 _An awkward silence follows. Daisy excuses herself from the table and walks into the next room to confront Tom about something._

 **Nick:** That 'Mr Gatsby' you mentioned earlier is my really mysterious neighbor...  
 **Jordan:** Don't talk, I want to hear what happens!  
 **Nick:** What's going on?  
 **Jordan:** Don't you know? Tom's got another woman in New York.  
 **Nick:** Another woman? Why am I so surprised?  
 **Jordan:** Anyway, you'd think she'd have the decency not to telephone at dinnertime...

 _Tom and Daisy come back into the dining room. Tom looks annoyed and Daisy is having a nervous fit._

 **Daisy:** Tom, I'm going to overlook this and pretend I know nothing about what you really do in New York!  
 **Tom:** Shut up!

 _Tom and Daisy sit down at the table and Daisy looks to Nick and Jordan._

 **Daisy:** Oh, look at that little bird out on the lawn! It's so happy and free! If only I could be like that and not have to worry about pretty dresses and expensive jewellery all day long!  
 **Tom:** Nick, how about I take you down to the stables after dinner?  
 **  
** _The phone rings again before Nick can reply. Tom gets up again to answer the phone. This time, Jordan follows him out of the room._

 **Daisy:** Nick, I think we should talk. Though I appear to be happy and carefree on the surface, deep down I am actually depressed and cynical about everything. _  
_ **Nick:** Go on.  
 **Daisy:** I should tell you about when Pammy was born. I remember asking the nurse if the baby was a boy or a girl, and she told me it was a girl. So I turned my head and began to weep. I said to the nurse, "I'm glad it's a girl _._ And I'll hope she'll be a fool, because that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool." Then the nurse looked at me strangely and told me I was being too dramatic.

 _Daisy breaks into tears and Nick puts his hand on her shoulder to comfort her, only for her to brush his arm away and turn to him, a mischievous smirk on her face._

 **Nick:** How...?  
 **Daisy:** We should go and see what Tom and Jordan doing. I have a bad feeling about leaving them alone with each other.

 _Later, in the library._

 **Jordan:**...To be continued in our very next issue...oh hello, Nick. Tom and I were simply reading and keeping our hands to ourselves.  
 **Daisy:** Tom, why is the top button on your shirt undone?  
 **Tom:** I was just reading, okay?  
 **Jordan:** Oh, look at the time! It's ten o'clock, time for this good girl to go to bed. I have a tournament tomorrow, so someone should wake me up at eight. Maybe you, Mr Carraway?  
 **Nick:** Fine.  
 **Jordan:** Well, I guess this is goodbye for now. See you all tomorrow!

 _Jordan saunters out of the library to who knows where._

 **Daisy:** You know, Nick, I think you and Jordan would make such a cute couple! Maybe you two can get married and I can be the maid of honor!  
 **Nick:** Maid of honor?  
 **Daisy:** I've known Jordan ever since I was learning to walk, so naturally it should be me. Oh how I miss my beautiful white girlhood...  
 **Tom:** What's this talk about a wedding? I thought Nick was engaged to some girl in the Midwest.  
 **Nick:** Oh, that's far from true. We were just friends and besides, I'm too poor to afford such luxuries.  
 **Daisy:** So does this mean you like Jordan?  
 **Tom:** Alright, Daisy, that's enough. Why don't we head upstairs and let Nick go home now? He must be tired of our company.

 _Tom and Daisy depart up the stairs to the floor above. Nick checks his watch as he is shown the way out by the butler._

 **Nick:** As I reached my estate at West Egg, I caught sight of a figure standing near the water's edge, apparently trying to reach out for the blinking green light that was at the end of the Buchanan's dock. I guessed that the figure was my mysterious neighbor Gatsby and his reaching for the light was supposed to be symbolism of some kind. I was blinded by the light for a few seconds and when I looked again for Gatsby, he had vanished and left me all alone in the darkness...


	2. Chapter 2

_Tom and Nick are riding on the train towards New York. Tom pokes his head out of the carriage before grinning at Nick._

 **Tom:** Let's make like the bandits in The Great Train Robbery and jump off this carriage. I want you to meet my girl.  
 **Nick:** So you do have another woman here in New York...  
 **Tom:** Come on!

 _Tom forcibly grabs Nick's arm and together they leap out through the carriage door and land on a dirt pile in the Valley of Ashes. Nick gets up, coughing and brushing dust off his clothes. Tom seems unfazed by their stunt and begins to drag Nick along in the direction towards George Wilson's auto-repair shop. The eyes of T.J. Eckleburg stare at them judgmentally._

 **Tom:** Hello, Wilson. How's business?  
 **George:** I can't complain. When are you going to sell me that car?  
 **Tom:** Next week. I've got a man working on it right now.  
 **George:** He works pretty slow, doesn't he?  
 **Tom:** No, he doesn't. If you're going to be this ungrateful, maybe I should sell it someplace else.  
 **George:** I didn't mean that! I was just asking a question!

 _Tom and George are interrupted by the sound of Myrtle descending the stairs. George smiles lovingly at her._

 **Nick:** I couldn't understand at first why Tom chose such a plain looking woman when he had Daisy, but I soon observed a certain vitality and sensuality about her that more than made up for her lack of beauty.  
 _  
_ **George:** Good morning, honey. Did you have a great night's sleep?  
 **Myrtle:** George, why don't you go get some chairs so we can sit down, and I can have some time alone with Tom?  
 **George:** Whatever you say, darling!

 _George rushes into his office excitedly to spend an inordinate time picking out proper chairs._

 **Tom:** I'm in the mood for some ass. Get on the next train and we'll meet by the news stand outside the apartment building.  
 **Myrtle:** Roger.

 _George emerges from his office carrying two chairs._

 **George:** Hey, I found some chairs! Anyone want to sit down?  
 **Tom:** No thanks. I must leave now, so keep them for yourself.  
 **George:** O-okay...

 _Later that day, Tom and Nick wait for Myrtle outside the apartment as per the plan. The eyes of T.J. Eckleburg have followed them all the way from the Valley of Ashes and Tom looks uncomfortable._

 **Tom:** Terrible place, isn't it?  
 **Nick:** It was awful.  
 **Tom:** I'm doing her a big favor. It does her good to get away.  
 **Nick:** Doesn't her husband object?  
 **Tom:** He thinks she goes to see her sister in New York. He's so dumb he doesn't even know he's alive.

 _Myrtle meets up with them and they get on the train together. They get off when she spots an old man selling dogs._

 **Myrtle:** Oh, I'd like one of those. It would go well with the apartment.  
 **Tom:** Whatever you want, honey.

 _Nick, Myrtle and Tom approach the old man. A flash of recognition spreads over Nick's face._

 **Nick:** Aren't you John ? The oil magnate and philanthropist?  
 **Old Man:** Who? I've never heard of him...  
 **Myrtle:** What kind are those puppies, sir?  
 **Old Man:** All kinds. What kind do you want?  
 **Myrtle:** Maybe a police dog. Do you have one of those?  
 **Old Man:** Sure do.

 _The old man reaches into his basket and pulls out a scrawny puppy._

 **Tom:** That's no police dog.  
 **Old Man:** It's not quite a police dog. It's an Airedale, but look at it's coat. This coat could keep you warm in winter.  
 **Myrtle:** Police dog or not, I think it's cute. How much is it?  
 **Old Man:** Ten dollars.

 _The old man passes the dog to Myrtle and she looks at it's body closely._

 **Myrtle:** Is it a boy or a girl?  
 **Old Man:** It's a boy.  
 **Tom:** Don't be a fool. It's obviously a bitch, just like my lady Myrtle here. Here's your money. Take it and buy ten more dogs.

 _In the late afternoon at the apartment, Myrtle prepares to call her sister Catherine and the McKees. Tom brings out a bottle of whiskey and pours two glasses for himself and Myrtle. After finishing their drinks, they stumble into the bedroom together and Tom shuts the door. Nick sits and reads a book until he is interrupted by the arrival of Catherine and the McKees._

 **Catherine:** I'm Catherine, Myrtle's hotter sister. Pleased to meet you, you must be Nick Carraway. Myrtle's already told me about you.  
 **Nick:** Do you live here?  
 **Catherine:** Do I live here? No, I shack with my girlfriend in the hotel across the road.  
 **Mr McKee:** Good afternoon, Mr Carraway. I'd like you to meet me and my wife.  
 **Mrs McKee:** You know, Mr Carraway, my husband's photographed me a hundred and twenty-seven times since our wedding. I guess I'm just that photogenic!  
 **Nick:** I beg to differ...  
 **Mrs McKee:** Where's Myrtle? She told me she'd be here...  
 **  
** _Myrtle emerges from the bedroom wearing a different dress and squeals when she sees the guests. The three women in the room soon gather on the couch to gossip about clothes and men. Mr McKee begins to stare intently at Nick and clutches his camera tightly. The women's chatter is interrupted by the entrance of Tom._

 **Tom:** I've brought booze and ice, so let's party!

 _Everyone, including Nick, is soon guzzling large amounts of whiskey and dancing uncontrollably around the apartment. Furniture is tossed upside down and curtains are ripped, but no one seems to give a care. The party soon descends into an orgy that leaves everyone exhausted and irritable._

 **Myrtle:** Daisy! Daisy! Daisy! How could you scream her name when you're doing it with _me_?!  
 **Tom:** Don't you dare say her name again, or I'll break your nose!  
 **Myrtle:** I'll say it whenever I want. Daisy! Daisy!

 _Tom punches Myrtle in the face and she screams. He storms off, leaving her to be comforted by Catherine and Mrs McKee. Nick realizes it is late and hurriedly leaves the apartment. Mr McKee follows him into the elevator._

 **Mr McKee:** Wait! Perhaps we should go out to lunch together sometime?  
 **Nick:** Where?  
 **Mr McKee:** Anywhere you want...

 _Mr McKee stares feverishly at Nick again. He slowly places his hand against the elevator lever and moans. The elevator boy looks incredibly disturbed._

 **Elevator Boy:** Sir, please take your hand off that lever...  
 **Mr McKee:** I'm sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing. It must have been something repressed deep inside me...

 _The elevator comes to a stop and McKee guides Nick to a room on the bottom floor, in which a large bed is waiting, before Nick blacks out._

 **Nick:**...All I remember of the rest of the night was seeing Mr McKee sitting half-naked in his bed while looking through some photographs. I left his place without asking any questions and everything else afterwards was a blur. The next thing I knew, I was lying on a seat at the Pennsylvania station with no idea of how I'd got there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Nick:** I would hear music coming from my neighbor's house all throughout the long summer. Men and girls came and went in the morning, sunbathed in the afternoon and attended lavish parties in the evening. The resulting mess was always left to a handful of servants and a gardener to tidy up the next morning, and frankly, I often found myself feeling sorry for the poor sods. It so happened one day that I received an invitation letter to one of these parties, so I cleaned myself up the best I could and put on my best suit, before going over to Gatsby's place. I made an effort to find the host, but all I got instead was Jordan staring contemptuously at me from a distance.

 **Jordan:** I thought you'd be here, with you being his neighbor and all...  
 **Nick:** You sure do look unhappy to see me.  
 **Jordan:** Oh, it's not you. It's me. You see, for all of my endless practice, I didn't even come close to winning last week.  
 **Nick:** Gee, I wonder why. Anyway, what do you really know about Mr Gatsby?

 _Jordan, along with another some other party guests, simultaneously gasp._

 **Party Guest 1:** I heard he killed a man once!  
 **Party Guest 2:** He was a German spy during the war.  
 **Party Guest 3:** No way, he was on our side! But I do believe he has taken a life. You can see it in his eyes.  
 **Jordan:** All of this talk has made me just as curious as you, Nick. How about we go look for our mysterious host, while getting a chance to deepen our relationship along the way?  
 **Nick:** Sounds good to me.

 _Nick and Jordan soon ascend a staircase into a large library, where a stout man stands on a table sorting books._

 **Stout Man:** What do you think?  
 **Nick:** About what?  
 **Stout Man:** The books. Believe it or not, they are real. Pages, cardboard and all!  
 **Nick:** Amazing! And to think I have never seen such versatile objects in my life!  
 **Stout Man:** What brought you here? Or did you just come? I was brought, just like most of the people here. I've been drunk for a week and I thought being in a library would make me sober again.  
 **Jordan:** How long have you been here?  
 **Stout Man:** About an hour, I think.

 _Nick and Jordan leave the library and make their way to the garden. They sit themselves down at a table with a young man and a little girl._

 **Young Man:** Your face is familiar. Weren't you in the Third Division during the war?  
 **Nick:** Yes, I was in the Ninth Machine-gun Battalion.  
 **Young Man:** I was in the Seventh Infantry until June 1918. I knew I'd seen you somewhere before. Want to go for a walk with me sometime, old sport?  
 **Nick:** You haven't even told me your name yet, sir.  
 **Young Man:** My name? Well...  
 **Jordan:** Having a gay time, aren't we?  
 **Nick:** This is quite an unusual party. All this time, and I have yet to see the host. I live next door too, so I guess I have a right to know who my neighbor is.  
 **Young Man:** I'm Gatsby.  
 **Nick:** Pardon?  
 **Young Man:** I said, I'm Gatsby. I'm your neighbor, the one who threw this amazing party.  
 **Nick:** What! I can't believe it! Oh, I beg your pardon...  
 **Gatsby:** No, the fault is on me, old sport. I'm afraid I haven't been a very good host.

 **Nick:** He had one of those rare smiles that you only encounter four or five times in your life, that understood you just as you wished to be understood, believed in you just as you wished to be believed, and filled you with reassurance that you were fine just the way you were. As I looked I guessed that he wasn't a day over thirty, not to mention, he was kind of handsome too...

 _Jordan tries to get Nick's attention by clearing her throat loudly, but he doesn't notice. A butler arrives and whispers something in Gatsby's ear, before excusing himself._

 **Gatsby:** I must be going, old sport. If you want anything, just ask for it. I will rejoin you later.

 _Gatsby leaves the table. Nick turns to Jordan._

 **Nick:** Who is he?  
 **Jordan:** Didn't he just tell you that he was Gatsby?  
 **Nick:** No, I mean where is he from? And what does he do?  
 **Jordan:** Well, _you're_ getting quite excited. He told me once that he was an Oxford man, but I don't believe it.  
 **Nick:** Why not?  
 **Jordan:** I do think he killed a man...but that doesn't matter when he throws large parties like this one. I hate small parties, since there's never any privacy. Do you know what I mean?

 _One jazz concert and crowd dance later, a butler approaches Nick and Jordan._

 **Butler:** Miss Baker? Mr Gatsby has requested to speak to you in private.  
 **Jordan:** With me?  
 **Butler:** Yes.  
 **Jordan:** Ooh, I wonder what he plans to do. Nick, be a good boy while I'm gone.

 _Jordan leaves Nick's side and follows the butler. Nick finishes his drink and goes to get another. He sees Jordan again an hour later, as the party is slowly coming to an end._

 **Jordan:** Nick, you won't believe what he told me!  
 **Nick:** Do tell...  
 **Jordan:** I could talk all about it right now, but I think it's more fun to just tantalize you. Why don't we meet up in a few days and discuss it then?  
 **Nick:** You know, Jordan, maybe you should be a gossip columnist instead of a golf player...  
 **Jordan:** Oh no, golf has been my lifelong passion! I'd rather die than give it up!

 _A car comes to a stop by Nick and Jordan. Jordan waves goodbye to Nick and gets into the car, flashing a teasing smile at him before the vehicle speeds away._


	4. Chapter 4

_Nick sits beside Jordan as she speeds him back home from a party. She pulls over by the kerb when he yells in alarm at her recklessness._

 **Nick:** You're a rotten driver. Either learn to be more careful, or don't drive at all.  
 **Jordan:** I am careful.  
 **Nick:** No, you're not.  
 **Jordan:** Alright, I'm not careful. But at least everyone else is.  
 **Nick:** What's that got to do with it?  
 **Jordan:** It takes two people to start an accident. A careful person would just stay out of my way.  
 **Nick:** But what if you met someone just as careless as yourself? What would you do then?  
 **Jordan:** Please, as if that would ever happen...  
 **Nick:** No, you don't understand. How about we say that you happen to be speeding along like you normally do, and someone runs in front of you without warning. Would you have time to stop?  
 **Jordan:** You're cute when you worry like that, but relax, no one would be crazy enough to cross the road without looking both ways.

 _The following morning at nine, Nick is interrupted from his work by the sound of an engine revving outside. He hurries outside to see a shiny, cream colored car driving up to his front door. The car comes to a stop and none other than Mr Gatsby steps out of it._

 **Gatsby:** Good morning, old sport. I thought I'd invite you to lunch and you could sit next to me while we ride to New York.  
 **Nick:** Sounds good to me. That's a pretty nice car you have there.  
 **Gatsby:** I'm glad you like it. Shall we hop in now, old sport?  
 **Nick:** Sure.

 _Gatsby turns to look at Nick with a rare expression of uncertainty, as they pass through West Egg._

 **Gatsby:** Look, old sport, I'd like to know just what you think of me. Are you wondering why I, a complete stranger, am so eager to build a business relationship with you?  
 **Nick:** Uh...because you've taken a liking to me?  
 **Gatsby:** I guess I should tell you something about my life first. People are always spreading rumors about who I am, but I'm here to tell you the truth. I'm the son of two wealthy Midwest folk who are both dead now, God bless their souls. I grew up here in America but I was educated at Oxford, just like my ancestors before me. Think of it as a family tradition.  
 **Nick:** Interesting. What part of the Middle West are you from?  
 **Gatsby:** San Francisco. When my parents died, I naturally inherited all of their money and became filthy rich, simple as that. I traveled around Europe for a few years after that, until the War begun and I was enlisted. I tried so hard to die but it turned out fate was against it, for I ended up saving a whole infantry and was promoted to be a major.

 _Gatsby reaches into his pocket and produces a shiny medal. He hands it to Nick, as if eager to prove that his story is true._

 **Nick:** Major Jay Gatsby, For Valour Extraordinary.  
 **Gatsby:** Oh, and here's something else I always carry. A souvenir from my Oxford days, in case anyone ever doubts that I actually went there.

 _Gatsby hands a photograph to Nick, whom soon recognizes a younger Gatsby among the other men in blazers._

 **Gatsby:** Convinced yet, old sport?  
 **Nick:** I sure am. If this isn't real, then I don't know what is.  
 **Gatsby:** Well, I have a big request to ask of you, old sport. You'll hear about it this afternoon.  
 **Nick:** At lunch?  
 **Gatsby:** No, this afternoon, when you take Miss Baker out for tea.  
 **Nick:** How do you know I have plans with her? Do you two have a secret relationship or something?  
 **Gatsby:** No, old sport. Don't you remember when I requested to speak with her in private? It's about that.  
 **Nick:** Oh, right. How could I have forgotten to ask her about what she found out?  
 **Gatsby:** Fret not, old sport. You'll have a chance to do that when you meet her in the afternoon.

 _A policeman rides by on his motorcycle and looks disapprovingly at Gatsby. Gatsby doesn't seem bothered by the law enforcer's presence and simply produces a card from his wallet._

 **Policeman:** I'm awfully sorry, Mr Gatsby. I should have known that it was you. I promise I won't make the same mistake next time.  
 **Nick:** How did you do that?  
 **Gatsby:** Ever since I did the commissioner a favor once, he's sent me a Christmas card each year and made sure all of his officers treat me with leniency. Not a bad deal, right, old sport?  
 **Nick:** Not bad at all. If only I was that privileged...

 _As they cross the Queensboro Bridge, Nick notices such unusual things as a fancy hearse, a group of Southern Europeans and black people partying in a limousine being driven by a white chauffeur. At noon, he and Gatsby arrive at the cellar on Forty-second street where they meet Meyer Wolfsheim._

 **Gatsby:** Nick, this is my friend Mr. Wolfsheim. He's an important friend of mine and I do a lot of business with him.  
 **Nick:** Pleased to meet you, Mr. Wolfsheim.  
 **Gatsby:** Old sport, I'm afraid I might have made you a little upset this morning in the car. I assure you that there is nothing going on between Miss Baker and I.  
 **Nick:** That's not it. I just don't know why you're using her when you could simply tell me the secret yourself.  
 **Gatsby:** It's nothing to worry about. Miss Baker is a good sportswoman, she would never do anything if it wasn't right or fair.  
 **Nick:** You don't know her, do you?

 _Gatsby checks his watch and suddenly becomes tense. He hurries from the room and leaves Nick alone with Meyer Wolfsheim._

 **Meyer Wolfsheim:** Fine fellow, isn't he? Handsome and a gentleman, a rare combination.  
 **Nick:** Rare, indeed...  
 **Meyer Wolfsheim:** I've known him for several years, since the end of the War. I could tell he was special the moment I first laid eyes on him. He's definitely the kind of man you'd take home to meet your mother and sister.  
 **Nick:** That's good to hear.  
 **Meyer Wolfsheim:** He's very careful around women and he would never run off with a friend's wife. Would you like to know about my cufflinks? They're made of actual human teeth.  
 **Nick:** No, I don't want to know the details. I'm just here for Mr. Gatsby.  
 **Meyer Wolfsheim:** Well, forgive me for imposing myself on you. I shan't bother you any longer.

 _Meyer Wolfsheim leaves the room just as Gatsby returns from the telephone. Nick looks relieved to be back in the latter's presence._

 **Nick:** Who is he exactly?  
 **Gatsby:** Wolfsheim? He's a gambler. He fixed the 1919 World Series, a feat to which I still owe him money for till this day.  
 **Nick:** How did he do it?  
 **Gatsby:** I don't know either, old sport. He's just a smart man.

 _After offering to pay for the meal, Nick encounters Tom while waiting for his change to be returned._

 **Tom:** Where have you been?! Daisy's upset because you haven't called at all this past month.  
 **Nick:** I can explain. I've been doing business with a Mr. Gatsby, which has really consumed my time...  
 **Tom:** It's no big deal, I was just playing! Anyway, how'd you come up this far to have lunch?  
 **Nick:** Well, Mr. Gatsby invited me. He was with me just a minute ago, but now he's...

 _Nick looks behind him to find that Gatsby has disappeared. He turns back to Tom sheepishly and tries his best to explain the situation away._


	5. Chapter 5

_Nick meets Jordan for lunch in the afternoon and they sit down together. It isn't long before Jordan begins telling him what she knows about Gatsby._

 **Jordan:** I don't know how I didn't recognize him earlier. I should have realized he was the same boy Daisy used to always hang out with back in 1917. We thought she was having just another casual fling, since she seemed so happy to be engaged to Tom. So you can guess how shocking it was when I found her crying her room half an hour before the wedding. She was holding a bottle of wine in one hand and a letter in the other. She seemed like she was drunk, so I called a maid for help and together we calmed her down and took her to the bath. I wanted so badly to see what was on the letter but she wouldn't let go of it, even as it turned into a soggy lump in the water.  
She was happy again after the marriage and if memory serves me correctly, she gave birth to Pamela the following year. I never got to see her much until now, so I guess that's why I didn't give that incident much thought.  
 **Nick:** An interesting story indeed, Jordan. I guess it's a coincidence that he ended up living on the opposite side of the lake to Daisy, huh?  
 **Jordan:** No way. He definitely bought that house so he could be closer to her.  
 **Nick:** I still think it's awfully convenient that there just happened to be a huge mansion in such a place waiting to be taken by him.  
 **Jordan:** By the way, this reminds me, he wants to know whether you're willing to invite Daisy to your place for tea so that he can meet her.  
 **Nick:** What?  
 **Jordan:** I know it sounds weird, Nick. But it's also kind of romantic, if you think about it. Just the way he still wants her after all these years, even though she's married and has a child.  
 **Nick:** It still seems a bit much. Couldn't he have asked to use your house, since you're supposed to be her best friend?  
 **Jordan:** Don't be silly. Your house is right next door to his.  
 **Nick:** Oh!  
 **Jordan:** I think he also threw all those parties in the hope that she would wander in like a lost sheep, but it never happened, so he decided to ask close acquaintances of her. Naturally, I was one of the first people that came to his mind.  
 **Nick:** I have just one more question, Jordan. Does Daisy want to see him as well?  
 **Jordan:** I don't know. You just need to invite her to tea. How she reacts to seeing him there, is anyone's guess.

 _That night, Nick visits Gatsby to discuss the plans involving Daisy._

 **Gatsby:** Good evening, old sport.  
 **Nick:** Your place looks like the World's Fair.  
 **Gatsby.** That's the idea. How about we go to Coney Island together? In my car.  
 **Nick:** It's too late for that.  
 **Gatsby:** Then how about a dip in the swimming pool?  
 **Nick:** No, listen. I just had a long talk with Miss Baker. I'm going to call Daisy tomorrow and invite her to my place for tea. Which day would suit you?  
 **Gatsby:** How about the day after tomorrow? I need time to get the lawn cut.  
 **Nick:** Day after tomorrow it is then. Is there anything you want to tell me before I go?  
 **Gatsby:** Oh, yes. You see, I run a little business on the side since I can't rely on my inheritance forever. You sell bonds, don't you, old sport?  
 **Nick:** I try to.  
 **Gatsby:** Well, I have an offer that might interest you. It won't take up much time at all and the pay will be good. Plus, it's completely confidential. You won't have to worry about the police coming for you.  
 **Nick:** Sorry, but my hands are full. I don't think I can take on any more work...

 _Nick turns to leave through the front door of the mansion so that he can go back to the refuge of his rented house. He remembers to call Daisy the next morning._

 **Nick:**...And one more thing, Daisy. Don't bring Tom with you.  
 **Daisy:** Don't bring Tom? Oh Nick, you really do have feelings for me! I'll come over tomorrow afternoon, just like you want me to!

 _Nick cringes and hangs up. On the promised day, Gatsby arrives accompanied by a team of gardeners. The gardeners get to work trimming Nick's lawn while he and Gatsby go inside. Nick lays a plate of lemon cakes down on the tea table. Time passes and Gatsby grows impatient. He checks his watch._

 **Gatsby:** Why isn't she here yet? The Daisy I know would never be late for a date with me!  
 **Nick:** Relax, it's only two minutes to four.

 _Gatsby lowers his head in despair just as a car engine sounds outside in the pouring rain. Nick looks through the window to see Daisy emerging from the car with an umbrella and feels relieved. He goes to the door to welcome her in._

 **Daisy:** Is this where you live, Nick?  
 **Nick:** Yes, it is.  
 **Daisy:** You must really be in love with me, if you decorated everything for my sake!  
 **Nick:** Yes, yes...just come in. There's a surprise for you inside.

 _They enter the house to find that Gatsby has disappeared._

 **Nick:** That's funny...  
 **Daisy:** What's funny?  
 **Nick:** He was here just a moment ago. Where could he have gone?

 _There is a knock at the front door and Nick rushes to open it. He sees Gatsby standing outside cold and drenched, and wonders how the man got outside without him knowing. Daisy stares at Gatsby in awe._

 **Daisy:** I'm so glad to see you again...  
 **Gatsby:** I believe we've met before...

 _The ringing of a clock interrupts the intimate moment. Gatsby walks over and smashes it in frustration, before turning to Nick and Daisy, a smile back on his face._

 **Gatsby:** I'm very sorry about the clock.  
 **Nick:** Oh, don't worry. It was pretty old anyway.  
 **Daisy:** Jay, we haven't seen each other for such a long time...  
 **Gatsby:** I know, it's been five years...

 _Nick realizes that he is simply getting in the way of the couple and excuses himself. To his surprise, Gatsby begins to follow him out of the room._

 **Gatsby:** We need to talk, old sport. I've just realized that this was all a terrible mistake.  
 **Nick:** You're just embarrassed. If it makes you feel any better, Daisy is probably the same way.  
 **Gatsby:** Daisy? Feeling embarrassed?  
 **Nick:** Well, she's human too. You should go back in there. It's rude to keep her waiting like that.  
 **Gatsby:** Whatever you say...

 _Gatsby goes back into the living room, while Nick heads outside to the backyard to look at the trees and flowers for a while. When he goes back inside, he sees Daisy in tears on the couch. She dries her face with a handkerchief while Gatsby offers to take them to his house so that he can show her around._

 **Gatsby:** Doesn't my house look great?  
 **Nick:** Yes, it looks splendid indeed.  
 **Gatsby:** I'm glad you think that, old sport. It took me three years to earn the money that bought it.  
 **Nick:** I thought you said that you inherited your money.  
 **Gatsby:** I did. It's just that I lost most of it in the Great War.

 _Daisy wanders excitedly from a side room and runs towards Gatsby._

 **Daisy:** This house is so big, I don't know how you can stand to live in it all alone!  
 **Gatsby:** Well, I fill it with interesting people as often as I can.

 _Nick, Daisy and Gatsby head upstairs and they end up in Gatsby's bedroom, where two huge cabinets stand by the wall. Gatsby opens them up and shows off his extensive collection of suits, dressing gowns, ties and shirts. Daisy gasps in awe._

 **Gatsby:** I've got a man in England who supplies me with new clothes every season. I doubt I'll ever get around to wearing them all.

 _Gatsby grabs some shirts and tosses them towards Daisy while she laughs. He does this repeatedly for an hour until the whole floor is an ocean of shirts and ties, with Daisy struggling to stay afloat. She begins to sob quietly._

 **Gatsby:** Is anything wrong, darling?  
 **Daisy:** I'm fine...it's just that I've never seen such beautiful shirts before...

 _Gatsby puts his arm around her and she uses it for support as she pulls herself out of the sea of clothes. The two of them stumble out of the bedroom and into the hallway, where several photos and paintings hang. Nick watches them admire each piece of artwork, a feeling of accomplishment growing in his chest. Afterwards, he joins them in attending a private performance by the pianist Klipspringer. He tries his best to ignore the musician's drunken, out of tune singing._

 _Klipspringer eventually grows exhausted and passes out at the piano. Daisy and Gatsby smile blissfully at each other, before making their way back to the bedroom and leaving Nick alone. Realizing that there is nothing more for him to do, Nick decides the time has finally come for him to go home._


End file.
